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farts and tap dancing. - Satanic Panic in the Attic
girlsetsfire
girlsetsfire
farts and tap dancing.


So, The Madness, he comes and goes. For some he comes unnoticed, for others expected all along. Most of us try to pretend on some level that The Madness is a silly story told by schizophrenic mothers, but this being is real, and we all better keep an eye out or he may destroy us all. He seems to have already gotten much of the world. But don't misunderstand, The Madness has good intentions, unfortunately so many that have met him didn't try to understand his purpose. They took one look at his whirl pool eyes and decided (consciously or unconsciously) to live their lives as idiots forever.
Yes, it is scary to take a look into the eyes of the gentle monster, but this is all a big game and you must accept the challenge or forever live a life of lies and filth (all the while primping your metaphorical beautiful blonde hair and telling the world what a great metaphorical apple pie you made!) never truly knowing what is beautiful and"real"in the world. Real of course is a questionable word, but it is not an easy thing to find in this world, and may not exist at all, except to ones self. Although I see things universal to us all,but interpretations vary slightly. Too bad we get so caught up in stupid details.
Everyone here on this spinning ball of question marks seems to "know" what is real. It is only when you question this faulty display that you will find what is real was not what you thought was real at all. Oh, this is a magnificent and terrifying journey through space.

From the beginning of my time here in this human suit I have seen The Madness. When I was a small human girl I would frequently ask "how many specs make up this carrot? What about the world? And do specs grow when you hug someone?" I was told that these were silly questions but I would intensely study every object trying to figure out this mystery. Surely the answers to all of life's great questions are in how many specs are held in the air to make shapes and ideas. Yes, maybe the idea of counting specs to find truth sounds absurd, but I think it was just a metaphor for everything else that I was feeling and still do. I think The Madness was playing a game with that little human girl.

I constantly feel like I'm being asked the question "will you accept this challenge?" My immediate reaction consists of a dual performance saying "yes! How exciting! Another challenge! I will never stop this quest no matter how hard", and "Oh please no! Not ANOTHER challenge!" It seems there is no time in this world to be lazy, or relax. Well, sure there is, but it a few precious moments amongst complete chaos. But through the chaos I find understanding of more and more. Unfortunately my findings usually lead to more questions and also some pretty ugly inner workings of the world we all see around us.

It's like that present you get for Christmas that is so perfectly wrapped you wonder if an angel came down to earth specifically to wrap what you just KNOW will be an equally as beautiful gift inside, and oh the sparkling paper and the friendly note showing how much the person really and truly cares, and what's that smell? Mmmm! Fresh flowers with drop of pure beauty. OH my! I must see what's inside! So you carefully open the package making sure not to destroy the paper or lose the friendly note, and inside is a cardboard box that smells faintly of feces, but you think "well, that's not too pleasant,but surely there must be something better inside." So you open the box slightly fearful but excited of what you just KNOW is going to bring you real happiness. Gasp! What is this! A big pile of turds! Sick! Preposterous! Quickly you put it back in the box, wrap it back up and sit it on your nightstand erasing the memory of what you saw and just looking at the pretty sparkling paper. OR, you wade through the feces to see what else is there. If you accept this challenge you will (if you truly pay attention) find little nuggets of what is real and you may even find real happiness.

Think of that! REAL happiness in this crazy world. Not the kind you see on the black hole television or what you hear fashionable idiots say is real and right, but something REAL, something worth fighting for. But wait!? You mean I can't just have happiness by sitting on my ass and waiting for it to come to me? I have to work for it?! I have to think a lot? What!? Tears flow the land, and everyone stays just the way they are, complete fools. Because living a lie is so much easier than the challenge. If only people could have a little taste of it before they make up their mind to be blind forever. It makes me sad and down right pissed off to see so many people afraid. I am afraid too, but I accept the challenge,and I wish everyone would. But, then again if everyone did then so many of the challenges we are faced with would be taken away, and I would not be who I am right now. Sometimes I think maybe this thick layer of lies here is disgusting and complicated for a reason. That maybe there is a better knowledge behind the constant questioning.

This whole world is one giant school, why? Is this life part of a game? Is this why everyone loves playing games so much? A reflection of the greater purpose of everything we do and feel and hear and smell. Are our robot bodies truly a host for this particular round? Science fascinates me, and so does logical thought, stories, and imagination, just everything I can find out about anything. But in the end I am always left with "but what about this?" There will always be questions here I think, and I have fun with that. Oh, the stories I come up with for explanations, and when using logic and imagination always knowing "well, it could be true!" People want to pretend that logic and imagination don't go together but you may be a complete idiot if you believe that. Don't be so stupid. Easier said than done, right? Yeah, well pay attention. Quit thinking you know something and pretend for a moment that all the rules you think are true are wrong, you may find that you were the one that was living by the same bullshit rules everyone you make of for being idiots do. But oh, you varied them a little by acting snobbish and well spoken.

Life gets harder day by day, but these are the processes one must go through to achieve anything that is worth achieving. Not only does it get harder, but it gets better...well and sometimes worse, and then better, and then The Madness laughs and laugh, at me, and then I laugh and laugh... with him, and sometimes I even break a cycle.


What a beautiful and obnoxious struggle this all is, but I must ask do you ever feel as though you might slip over the edge into oblivion? Sometimes I do....and sometimes I do...But I can't turn away this world.

"Don't pretend you aren't here" keeps ringing inside me.
37 human choked on their own vomit and died || ...but i love you
Comments
yobachi2003 From: yobachi2003 Date: December 2nd, 2004 09:08 pm (UTC) (Link)
YOU’RE BACK! YEEEEAAAAAA!

Please don’t leave us again.
tragicwhore From: tragicwhore Date: December 2nd, 2004 09:12 pm (UTC) (Link)
never have I seen it better put. the noise in my head is mostly that of wind whipping and whistling past the edge. some times I fall, some times I jump, but always I find myself right back here looking out over the edge again. some how, the times I'm falling are the scariest and the most pleasent. floating through the nothing is always amusing.
powersparkles From: powersparkles Date: December 2nd, 2004 10:13 pm (UTC) (Link)
strange emily, i miss you and love you!!
From: electricsinboy Date: December 2nd, 2004 11:22 pm (UTC) (Link)
stick around this time, okay?
yobachi2003 From: yobachi2003 Date: December 3rd, 2004 06:04 am (UTC) (Link)
I tried to read your post so I could respond intelligently. But shit - I'm just too drunk. I'll try to read through and have something to say tomorrow.
chuteboxe From: chuteboxe Date: December 3rd, 2004 04:59 pm (UTC) (Link)
"all the reality has been filmed, there is none left" So i randomly heard. Without defeat the appreciation of victory can not exist, so I am glad life gets harder. The madness is like a wave in the ocean, you can try and fight and get tired, or you can ride it and carry you away.
From: jerryleetypes Date: December 8th, 2004 01:04 am (UTC) (Link)
i didn't really read this because it's too long and my attention span is short this evening
girlsetsfire From: girlsetsfire Date: December 8th, 2004 02:18 am (UTC) (Link)
What defines "too long"? I didn't realize that I had to meet others agendas. Sorry?

Don't worry about it. I was just venting, trying to put out in a coherent manner the things I have been feeling seeing, and thinking, but I wasn't able to shave them down into a way that others dont feel they have to comment that it's too long...apparently?

But yeah, it seems like everyone has a short attention span these days.

It's cool. I don't need reasurrance for these things I see. I know they are there. You don't have to feel the need to say something to me about my posts unless you feel that intense connection.

Ah, I suppose I'm "going on". Lack of sleep fucks up my motor skills and manners. Excuse me now.
From: jerryleetypes Date: December 8th, 2004 02:37 am (UTC) (Link)
attempt at humor failed. sorry.

(hides beneath rock)
girlsetsfire From: girlsetsfire Date: December 8th, 2004 02:48 am (UTC) (Link)
And to think, up until now I thought I understood your humor. Welll...interesting...
statikcat From: statikcat Date: December 8th, 2004 03:19 pm (UTC) (Link)

cat vs madness

lanky_bastard From: lanky_bastard Date: December 15th, 2004 05:31 pm (UTC) (Link)
People trip on rocks,
Flail around on the ground,
Gone over the edge.

I don't see an edge.
Call me unsentimental.
I would flail for fun.

From: (Anonymous) Date: December 21st, 2004 05:37 pm (UTC) (Link)

Farts and Philosophy

Oh my God. I was just Surfing for porn the other day and some how wound up on some journal thread of yours from August 2003. Something about the comedic genius of a well timed fart-Priceless. I read some more and have come to the conclusion that you are my soul mate. Just kidding. I lost my soul in a bad bargain some time ago and was wondering if maybe you had seen it. Last I recall it was next to my virginity. I lost alot of stuff back then. Keep up the good work. Would love to meet you in Indianapolis for coffe or twizzlers.
girlsetsfire From: girlsetsfire Date: January 12th, 2005 09:04 pm (UTC) (Link)

Re: Farts and Philosophy

Coffee and twizzlers are always great.
And maybe I know something about your lost soul.

Let's exchange emails.

Feline_Terror@meowmail.com
jetblackcoverup From: jetblackcoverup Date: January 1st, 2005 02:51 am (UTC) (Link)

the ol' grizzly bears may be comin' to town

are the troops well rested? maybe. are they rested enough to move on? good chance of it. but we can not know for sure.

but what we do know, is that they have started planning attack on V #2. they have rolled out their trusty(because it seems to be working well for them so far) dusty(because it has been around since 84' in an un-kept attic) map.

they have come up with a pattern, or a route of strateeegery, if you will. it looks like this...
*wiggles and moves fingers around in a frantic motion above a scetchy incoherent pattern on the map*

oh, and the last thing we do know is what the new attack plan is called: Big Black Buck.
p_u_a From: p_u_a Date: January 10th, 2005 06:58 am (UTC) (Link)
I hope you got my email that I sent the other day, memerlicious, because it was full of gooey things and would have made you smile.

I need your most adorable help in making a music video and I was thinking of coming to Indy in a couple of weeks to film it. It would require that you dress up like Clara Bow and make snide remarks about me behind my back. Would you want to do that? Even if you don't, I still want to see you if we come down, you have to send me your phone number.

xoxo
Sammerly
girlsetsfire From: girlsetsfire Date: January 12th, 2005 09:02 pm (UTC) (Link)
I'm at school right now, so time is short for words and sentences, but duhhh I would want to do that. A chance to see you and to dress up like Clara Bow? Yes!

I hope this really happens. I miss you so much Sam.

And your email practically made me cry. I will write to you more later.
<3
spilltheblood From: spilltheblood Date: January 14th, 2005 12:06 pm (UTC) (Link)
yo, add me. and come hang out with us sometime, at band practice or not at band practice.
nonicetrees From: nonicetrees Date: January 30th, 2005 10:10 pm (UTC) (Link)
This is all fine.
girlsetsfire From: girlsetsfire Date: January 30th, 2005 11:26 pm (UTC) (Link)

Your reply is a strange one. Explain.

Do you mean "this is all fine" as in "this is all fine and dandy...but!"

Or are you simply the part of the society of The Vaguest People Alive?
nonicetrees From: nonicetrees Date: January 30th, 2005 11:36 pm (UTC) (Link)

the hazards of sitting beneath palm trees

both, to one degree or another.

I've been reading up and down through your journal for a while now. I get the feeling we knew eachother once, or twice. Or maybe not at all.

I could be wrong.

I have to go get ready for the show tonight now. It's 6:30, you could still make it if you wanted to come. Take 70 West out of Indy and get off at the Greencastle/DePauw exit, head right, it's easy enough to find after that. Call if necessary.
acli From: acli Date: February 3rd, 2005 08:15 pm (UTC) (Link)

to slip into oblivion?

sometimes fast is not as fast as you'd think.
sometimes slow is not as slow as you'd think.

oblivion is nothing more then the state of what we once were. so to slip backwards is to slip forwards into what you will be once time has once more passed. a constant, steady state that is in flux. it is the struggle between the poles that makes us human regardless of what other forces of nature push or pull. so the edge?

the edge is the life we lead so long as we are living, and to slip over from one side to the next is the common joy that we all have provided we are not blind to what we truly happen to be. so in hopes of ending this little pedantic blob with some grace. i simply agree that regardless, its difficult to turn away from the world.
nonicetrees From: nonicetrees Date: February 4th, 2005 06:17 am (UTC) (Link)

why'd you sing with me at all?

to momentarily lift the shroud of vagueness,

what are you doing saturday?
papercutkisses From: papercutkisses Date: February 12th, 2005 10:25 pm (UTC) (Link)
you look gorgeous in orange hair.
From: (Anonymous) Date: February 18th, 2005 04:52 am (UTC) (Link)
what are you up to this weekend?

- jeremy (nonicetrees) (317-748-3619)
p_u_a From: p_u_a Date: March 18th, 2005 12:25 am (UTC) (Link)
Happy birthday, Memerlie!!!!!


I tried to send you an email but it was returned. :(

Miss you.
lafemmelolita From: lafemmelolita Date: April 5th, 2005 03:49 pm (UTC) (Link)
i've wanted a penpal. someone who's floating thru that same or insane connection. that person who shares the same imagination and those creepy brief obsessions. this person feels the tortures of the world can't over-power the destructive hells breaking at our inner weak child. blah blah, right. i thought to hard about why and then i stated "i give up". you're like a chirping bird in the morning and i'd love for us to share stories.

will she respond to this comment....
girlsetsfire From: girlsetsfire Date: April 13th, 2005 04:49 am (UTC) (Link)
Oh Sasha, I do respond! I have always wanted to respond...haha. No, it's true, but "cheesy" in delivery. Damn the people who ever represented life as "cheesy".

Anyway...I am serious when I say lately I have had an intense desire to have a penpal. There are much intensities in the pen and paper that I am thinking too many people have forgotten. My intense desire has gotten so intense that I have asked many random people that I know if they want to be a penpal in the hopes that perhaps I could have some insight to them and the humans in it. They have responded, yet I have not. I want to partially, but also, somehow the amazingness does not sit right. They are all so covered in their masks. Still, I will respond eventually...

So, the point is though, that YOU would like a penpal...excites me more than any of these other responses that "yes I would like to converse with my great mask on".

I can't explain it. I just say we do it, and let time reveal intensities. There is no need to try to understand now.

All I know is that everything in my life, including you, hold secrets, and I have seen the hints all along the way, and like I say, I cannot explain, but us becoming pen pals makes perfect beautiful sense to me.

Let the tale be told. ;)
lafemmelolita From: lafemmelolita Date: April 13th, 2005 10:20 am (UTC) (Link)
*big smile*



wyckedeuphorik@tampabay.rr.com


lafemmelolita From: lafemmelolita Date: April 19th, 2005 01:22 am (UTC) (Link)
sorry for the comments. i didn't think they were sending thru to your email. aaaanyways, i'm canceling this email addy so i'll have to get back to you about a new one. bc i don't know when that will be, but i didn't want to leave ya hangin. not that you'd be so concerned, i'm sure, but either way. well hope we talk soon. i could use a friend more than ever right now.
girlsetsfire From: girlsetsfire Date: April 19th, 2005 06:52 am (UTC) (Link)
sorry for the comments? please dont feel the need to say such silly things!

let me know about the new address. i haven't written you yet because i am overwhelmed by the combination of what is inside me and the demands of school. They don't combine well at all. Rules have never set well with me. Which is good that school will be over for a litte while in 2 weeks.

"i could us a friend more than ever right now"
oh sasha! how much i would like to give you a hug, and how much i feel what you are saying...

<#-the heart of madness goes out to you...
saskapampy From: saskapampy Date: May 6th, 2005 04:02 pm (UTC) (Link)
According to http://marnanel.org/joule , you LJ-dumped me on Valentine's Day. I'm not here to beg for you to come back to me, but rather to apologize. I'm sorry, I know, I should have sent you a cookie bouquet or something.

In other worlds, sincerity is a rare find these days, people need their oblivion lest they realize their inflated sense of self-importance or prided sense of individuality is really only a footnote in their imagination. We've all done such a good job of providing ourselves with distractions that we've forgotten that there's more to life then the act of vicarious living.
dead_albert From: dead_albert Date: May 7th, 2005 01:33 am (UTC) (Link)
I didn't realise that you were still an LJ reader/writer.
girlsetsfire From: girlsetsfire Date: May 7th, 2005 05:50 pm (UTC) (Link)
oh.
dead_albert From: dead_albert Date: May 8th, 2005 07:35 pm (UTC) (Link)
Indeed.
girlsetsfire From: girlsetsfire Date: May 8th, 2005 10:06 pm (UTC) (Link)

haha.

sigh.
From: (Anonymous) Date: July 10th, 2006 09:50 am (UTC) (Link)

bah i say

it seems you have quite a cult like following, i hope you plan to make them drink cool aid in new nikes on a church roof, bah i say bah ill never give you my opinion of your short peice, its mine and you cant have it
37 human choked on their own vomit and died || ...but i love you